Friday thoughts - 12th June

in an attempt to pry myself away from the addiction of trading scam internet coins and the even more addicting social media platform we all know and love, i'm going to attempt to put pen to paper and write some stuff down that's in my head. Do not be shocked if sentence structure is abysmal, paragraphs are non-existent, and use of grammar is casually forgotten about like a worthless shitcoin you've left on an exchange to rot and die like your dreams of moon and lambos.

what a year so far. and to think back that it all started off so casually with some aussie drinking dettol in China because he was scared of some new weird virus (funny fuck head lol)... January feels a lifetime ago, new years resolutions long forgotten, everything put on hold, no, the WORLD put on hold, lockdown hit everyone by mid March and we were told to stay in our homes and only go out for food or medicine. the panic buying of toilet roll, the fighting over toilet roll, the supermarkets stripped bare of everything - what were we thinking?! nothing short of complete madness.

the number of times daily i'd log on to worldometers.info/coronavirus to check the new cases and deaths, i was on double figures checking daily at one point, looking at the lines on the graph that were going exponential, fear creeping its way in, even though the chances of dying for my age band were 0.2% i still got swept up in the general panic and fear.

been working from home since March 16th and have enjoyed not having to commute daily, although i do miss riding my motorbike into work (now i have to come up for an excuse to take it out). for me personally its been great, i've got my own office so i can lock myself away from the kids and just crack on. the downside to not being in the office around other people is that my social media time has gone through the roof and it makes me sick to think about how much time i've wasted on that soul sucking app, but, in the same breath i can't deny that i do enjoy it, i wouldn't be without it, but, it really doesn't help you in being very productive at all. bybit has taken more of my money than i care to admit, falling prey to the 1 minute chart, the flashing lights of the interface, the buzz of volatility after the corona crash, and the perception that i can still beat the market. stupid fucking game trading, it really is, so easy on the face of it, but so utterly ridiculously difficult is the reality. i think most of the difficulty in trading profitably is down to the fact that you are playing a game mostly against yourself, because let's face it, the rules of the game are fundamentally very simple, you buy and sell something in order to profit off the variations in price of an asset, stock, crypto, whatever. but when you're in the game, when you click that buy button, that's when things get really interesting, that's when you start to understand the complexities of the game, the stress, the fear, the emotions, the struggle, the pain, the tears (yes i've cried after a big loss). to this day i've not ever attempted to do something as hard as trading profitably, and maybe i never will, but i am a stubborn fuck so i'll continue trying until i completely burn out or lose all my stack. the reason for sticking it out, even though this game has already put me through the ringer in just over two years, is that i love it. what you learn from yourself from trading your own money will teach you more than any self help book or therapist could ever tell you, if you stick with it for long enough, learn and read from others that know the game - that know how to become profitable - and, you put into practice what they suggest, you will slowly start to understand yourself better than you ever thought you could. there's no one to blame in trading if things go wrong other than yourself, there are no excuses, no opponent who is stronger/faster/more skilled than you, it is simply you who you have to beat. i honestly believe that's why most people give up, they can't or don't want to self-reflect. if something goes wrong, a lot of people will always have an excuse as to why they fucked up... if you take that approach with trading your doomed from the start. you need to take accountability for your actions, and, you need to learn from your mistakes, and you can't learn from your mistakes if you don't admit to making any. in trading you will make mistakes, and fucking lots of them at that, and i think it's human nature to want to avoid making them, so to know from the start that there are plenty coming, well, it's not easy. trading isn't for everyone, and even those (like myself) who do stick at it for years, may never become profitable (that does stick in my mind often and just adds to the mind game that is played out daily on myself, regardless if i'm in a trade or not).

that's enough gambling talk for now.

i want to talk about recent events, but at the same time i don't, i'm not sure what to say, i don't ever talk about these sort of things let alone write about them, if you've followed me long enough you probably know i steer clear of anything political, or anything remotely sensitive tbh, not because i don't have an opinion on it, but more because i don't feel the need to make my social media about that. i've grown up enjoying things like maths, chess, reading, coding, where there is some sort of logic and rules, where there is a right and wrong answer, or an eloquent logical solution for a coding problem, or a beautiful check mate. the world of politics and political views scares me, it makes no sense, there is no logic to it, there seems to be no right or wrong, just differing opinions on a subject or topic. how can one persons opinion be right and another persons wrong? it makes my head hurt, so i avoid it, is that right of me, maybe not, but its what i've generally done growing up, avoiding any such discussions by making a joke or changing subjects, or simply walking away from the conversation. what i will say though, is what happened recently (that was watched by the entire world) was not right. it was wrong. it should have never happened, and i will never forget watching that man die from a video someone posted on social media.

i think i'm done, i've written enough, i'm slowing down and i'm thinking too much about what to type and that wasn't the purpose of this, i didn't want it to be reviewed and edited so much, i wanted it to be spewed on to the page straight from my brain, unfiltered. i think i achieved it, i've yet to re-read it, i might before uploading, i might not (i probably will). i've enjoyed it though, it could be the start of more writing, of maybe some short stories, maybe more trading talk, maybe just random thoughts put out to the Internet for people to see (or not).

if you got this far, then i applaud you for some truly terrible grammar and sentence structuring, rambling unedited thoughts of a weary and tired llama, but also, thank you, i might not know that you've ever read it, but the fact that you have means something to me x